Monday, February 22, 2010

Hellava week

Feb. 22, 2010 The past week from Valentine's Day to today was quite a journey. Valentine's Day had started out better than usual but very quickly deteriorated when my daughter and her dad went on a grocery trip to 'kato. After they had gone everything went quiet except for the wind. With the wind blowing it blotted out the sounds of the world outside. But even more than that, the psychic sounds of the world was quiet too. It was as if Valentine's Day focused everyone and made it a day off from the usual concerns. At that moment it seemed kinda nice.

So I got on facebook to play some Castle Age and looked to see if my friend was online. He wasn't. I suddenly had the feeling of being totally alone and it made me lonely. I thought to myself I probably should have gone them to 'kato especially as the impulse to go had been there, but I overrode it to stay and hopefully chat with my friend. It didn't take long for me to get a funny feeling that maybe he wasn't gonna show. Not long after that my one real friend in this town called me and was hoping I could stop by and visit with him. But given what I was feeling at the time it was definitely not a good idea and I had to beg off on visiting.

After I hung up I was hit with a massive emotional burst like an energy spike in an electrical circuit. All the breakers blew all the pent up anguish poured out of me. It even had a name who I will simply call Rick. I don't really understand all that I felt but it was enough make me have to lie down on the couch. Not even Castle Age or cruising in facebook could be distraction or provide any kind of solace. All I could do was lay there completely flatten by the sheer magnitude of what I was feeling. As the emotional storm swirled within me every so often a gust would hit me and the emotion had nowhere to go but out my eyes and in my sobs. And though I kept trying to find the source of it, everything was too jumbled and powerful even for thought. It was essentially just raw emotional pain. After a while it moved from Rick to my friend and though he seemed to be an important factor it turns out he was only the match that lit the powderkeg. Whatever it was that was exploding out of me went far beyond anything in recent weeks or even in recent years. This went all the way back to childhood but not at a conscious level. In fact there was no mind. It was just waves and waves of feelings gushing out like pus from lanced abscess. And that is perhaps the best description of what happened that day. It also made for the worst Valentine's Day I'd ever had. It will certainly be the most memorable.

At off moments when the storm eased up I'd try being on facebook but didn't have the energy to even do that. Even after my daughter and her dad came home a few hours later I was still in the deep throes of this hurricane. Eventually, the evening wore into night and they went to bed. Around 11:30pm I got on facebook again. This time another friend was online and he chatted at me. I was in no mood for his usual insults and banter and told him fuck you. His response was, u wish. It took less than a minute of our going around with this for me to finally burst out laughing. There was about 15 minutes left of Valentine's Day and he had gotten me to laugh. From somewhere deep inside I could feel something clean and pure and whole and it came out in the laughter. It turns out this dude in OZ with his badass attitude is perhaps the very best friend I have ever had. He doesn't put up with shit, nor does he get lost in it. At least not at a practical level. He is perhaps the realest person I've ever met, kinda like cold steel. And yet, if you can get past that you'll find a pretty interesting guy in there. Not so much for what he knows but for how he is and how he deals with things. In fact, he's the only person I've ever met that can match me for not being shy about things as he is completely up front about everything. Nor is he afraid to confront you about things, not in a hostile way, but directly, which some would take as hostility when it isn't. Needless to say it works for me and we are very good friends as a result. There's certainly none of the usual anxiety a lot of people feel and that is very liberating.

I suppose this exemplifies my own kind of motto of be real, get real in the sense of you get what you give. Unfortunately, too many hide what's inside by wearing a mask and presenting a false face. What is unfortunate for me is that I am almost purely reflective of what people give me in the sense of being like an echo chamber or a mirror. Whatever they are putting out is pretty much what they'll get back. If they are real, they'll get real. If you aren't then it can get strange real fast. Anyway, moving on.

My friend and I talked for a while longer. Not sure how long but enough for me to know that my mood had turned a corner as the day had ticked over to Monday. I don't remember how long I was after that either, but I did sleep that night.

The following evening, Monday evening, the friend who I had wanted to chat with the day before was on. It was a good chat except for a question I never should have asked. I don't know what effect it had and I won't beat myself up over it, but despite what he may say about it, the totality of all we have been through since the beginning of December can only have added to what he's dealing with in his own life. It may also be that my own question to him may have only been a match as well. But I certainly can't take him at his word that it had nothing to do with me as his withdrawal from facebook has not occurred, but his withdrawal from me has. Nor do I blame him for that. What I hope however, is that as time passes and things settle out, that we can become the friends we should have been. For my part I am sorry I pressed on things in a way I never should have. At the same time, the debt of gratitude I owe him will last the rest of my life for that is precisely what he help me get back.

I often mentioned there was providence in this. I still stand by that. Especially when other events that Monday occurred the way they did with people coming out of the woodwork in facebook to chat with me and the interactive dynamic that occurred in Castle Age. Not only that, but I had an energy I hadn't had in a very, very long time. And not only was there a change in me, there had also been a change in the very fabric of things. Somehow, something in the world turned a corner and was back in the right track. Maybe it was only me and it was I that had gotten back in the right track and the rest of the world was just responding to it. Regardless, what I knew for sure was that something fundamental in my life had been healed or sealed and I was no longer existing in a living death, one that I had been in since childhood. This is not to say everything is totally perfect now. Only that I am now whole and capable of not being emotionally devastated because my friend and I are no longer talking. Whatever need there had been had finally been sated.