Sunday, June 26, 2016

Archived - Notes for an address by Prime Minister Jean Chrétien on the occasion of a Tribute to the Prime Minister - Canada News Centre

Archived - Notes for an address by Prime Minister Jean Chrétien on the occasion of a Tribute to the Prime Minister - Canada News Centre

Archived - Notes for an address by Prime Minister Jean Chrétien on the occasion of a Tribute to the Prime Minister

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November 13, 2003 Toronto, Ontario
My friends, That video brought me back a long way. A very long way. So many memories. So many bonds and so many friendships. So much road travelled. For a young man born in a large working class family in Shawinigan. And I am very proud to say it is a road we have travelled together. Because if - as I have always said - Canada is my life, it is the Liberal Party that has been like family to me. It is the Liberal Party that gave me the chance to grow. To meet people in every part of Canada. To learn the true meaning of democracy and public service. That opened my horizons and my world. I began as president of the Young Liberals Association at Laval University. But it is in April 1963 that I proudly entered Parliament as MP for St. Maurice-Laflèche under the exceptional leadership of Lester B. Pearson.He did so many things of lasting benefit for Canadians. He showed me so much kindness and confidence especially when he sent me to Mitchell Sharp to be trained to be the first francophone Minister of Finance. Mitchell, still young at 92 years old, is here tonight. He proved to me, at an early age, that Liberalism is about heart and passion, yes, but it is also about responsibility, and balance, and creating growth and opportunity. And Pierre Trudeau. Larger than life. And a presence so powerful that he forever changed the way we see ourselves as Canadians. 

I was very proud to be part of Mr. Trudeau's team and of the confidence he had in me to do the challenging jobs that needed to be done, from transforming aboriginal policy, creating national parks, to the Quebec referendum in 1980, to bringing home the constitution and negotiating the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. That is Liberalism in action, my friends. The spirit and vision of governments like those of Lester Pearson and Pierre Trudeau. That built the modern Canada we love so deeply.That built the social programs that Canadians cherish. That gave our country its own flag. That gave birth to national Medicare. To the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. To the Canada Pension Plan. To a truly bilingual Canada that has become home to people from every corner of the world - and a shining model of how the human race can live together in peace, progress and prosperity.

It was these governments - under these two great Canadians - that cemented Canada as the champion of a multilateral approach on the international scene. Also as a trusted peacekeeper. As an honest voice in the world. A force for peace and stability. My friends, that is what we are celebrating at this convention: the vision, the passion, and the spirit of Liberalism. In June 1990, in Calgary, you gave me the great honour and responsibility of carrying the Liberal torch. Of succeeding a great Liberal, John Turner. Of upholding our timeless principles and traditions. And adapting them to new times and new challenges as every leader must do. And that is what I have tried to do. Because, my friends, when this country is in a time of need, in crisis, when things need to be righted, Canadians have always turned to Liberal governments. And that is the way it was in Canada ten years ago. We remember the state of the nation ten years ago. Canadians remember it. I know I will never forget it.

We were in a crisis, all right. The worst crisis Canada had seen in more than half a century. An economic crisis. A fiscal crisis. A national unity crisis. And even more troubling, a crisis of confidence. Canadians had given up believing Canada could ever work again. We were virtually broke. Almost bankrupt. Against the wall. The annual deficit was $42 billion, by far the largest in our entire history. Thirty-seven cents of every tax dollar went to servicing the national debt. Unemployment and interest rates were far too high, both above 11 percent.The International Monetary Fund was knocking at the door. The Wall Street Journal was saying we were a candidate to become a Third World economy.And that malaise went much, much deeper than the economy. The dice had been rolled on our national unity. And Canada was on the brink of disaster. Of falling apart.

In Quebec, support for separatism was at its highest in history. Western Canadians were turning their backs on national parties for a narrow regional party. It is hard to believe now, but people were giving up - actually giving up - on the very idea of Canada. Canadians gave us a job to do. They gave us a mission. A solemn responsibility. They wanted their country back. They wanted it turned around. They wanted to be proud again. And my friends, that is what we set out to do. Together, with our team. Members of Parliament. Ministers. A professional public service. A skilled, committed team of men and women. Who cared deeply about their country and were eager to work hard, very hard.I want to thank them - all of them - personally tonight for their contribution and their dedication. Think of what we have accomplished with Canadians in ten years.

Well, everyone knows - the whole world knows - how we turned the finances of this country around. It was hard. It hurt. Canadians made sacrifices. But we took that $42 billion deficit and turned it into six consecutive balanced budgets. Today we are the only G-7 country with a balanced budget. Today we lead the industrial world in fiscal responsibility. We in Canada are entering our seventh year in balance. And not only that, we have also paid down more than ten percent of the national debt. In ten years, our economy has created three million new jobs. Interest rates are at their lowest levels in decades. Young families can afford to finance their homes. We have been able to pass on to the Canadian people the biggest tax cut in the history of Canada. We have been able to invest large sums of money in health care. And we have created the National Child Benefit which is the most important new social programme since Medicare.

My friends, we understood that our young people need to be liberated to make their dreams come true, to make their contribution to our country and to our future. As soon as we eliminated the deficit, our first priority was to make massive investments in education, in our young people, in their brains and in their capacity. From the Millennium Scholarships, to the Canada Research Chairs, from graduate scholarships, to the Canada Foundation for Innovation, to the Canadian Institutes of Health Research, and so much more, we are making Canada the place to be for young people in the 21st century. We have restored an activist, progressive national government. That speaks and acts for the whole country. As only the national government can do. And we have done so in accordance with timeless Liberal principles and traditions. Just as it took time to restore our fiscal health, it took several years to rebuild the unity of this country. But slowly, carefully, deliberately, we took the steps to strengthen the bonds that tie our country together. It was not easy to fight years of myths that had been created by those who wanted to break up Canada. But it was worth the fight. Yes, my friends, it was worth the fight. We vowed that we would never again run the risk of losing Canada through ambiguity and misunderstanding and lack of presence.

Ladies and gentlemen, make no mistake about it, the Clarity Act has secured the future of Canada.Again, it wasn't easy. All the pundits, the elites, thought we were crazy to take such a risk. But the people of Canada - and the people of the province of Quebec in particular - knew better. We did it by telling the truth to Quebeckers. We did not make unrealistic, empty promises. We refused to pander. We were frank and direct. And we governed well. Today we as Liberals can hold our heads up high in Quebec. Let me tell you, it was tough, my friends. It was tough for all of us who stood for Canada. It was very tough for me personally. It hurt me deeply. It hurt my family. To be vilified in my home province - the province I love - just for standing up for Canada. Because I believed so profoundly, as I still believe today, that being part of Canada is best for Quebec. But no matter how lonely it was - we never gave up.

And, tonight, I can tell you, my friends, that nothing gives me greater satisfaction than the knowledge that we have prevailed in Quebec. That we have earned the respect of the people of Quebec. That we have turned the page and are working on real solutions to real problems. From the bottom of my heart, I thank my fellow citizens of Quebec. And let me tell you that we would not have succeeded without the patience and understanding and commitment of Canadians across the land during a very difficult period. It made me so proud to be a Canadian. Restoring the pride, restoring the faith of Canadians has been a big job, my friends. And it has not stopped with the economy or with national unity. We have worked hard to ensure that our values - Canadian values - are what have guided our government and its policies. That is why we have one of the toughest gun control laws in the world. As a Canadian, that makes me very, very proud.

And we have restored the pride in who we are. Look at the cultural vitality of Canada today. We saw the wonderful artists here tonight. The magic of Le Cirque du Soleil is seducing audiences around the world, and transforming entertainment in the 21st Century. Taking their cue from two great friends of mine, Paul Anka and Oscar Peterson, who led the way many years ago, today Canadian women are the biggest phenomenon in the history of the recording industry. From Céline Dion to Shania Twain to Diana Krall to Alanis Morrissette to Avril Lavigne, they are taking over the world, and doing it in a very Canadian way.

Our authors are winning prestigious awards around the globe. It is nothing short of a renaissance of Canadian literature.My friends, in every field, the Canadian arts are the most vibrant and celebrated they've ever been. And of course, Canadians have been proud to once again reassert our independence on the world stage. We have a wonderful story to tell the world. About how to live together in peace and diversity. About how to resolve differences with civility. About mutual respect. About building bridges. You might say the world could use a little more Canada. And we've been delivering. The Land Mines Treaty. The International Criminal Court. New hope for Africa, NEPAD. The effort to narrow the gap between the richest and poorest nations has been important to Canadians. We have worked hard at it. Because we Canadians know how these disparities fuel hatreds and violence in the most troubled corners of our world. We have not been afraid to confront those hatreds. That is why our brave Canadian troops went to Bosnia and Kosovo with NATO. That is why they are in Afghanistan today. And that is why we stood shoulder to shoulder with our closest friend and ally, the United States when they were targeted on that terrible September day. We are with them and all civilized nations in the fight against terrorism. Canadians are making a vital contribution in that struggle - and we are very proud of it.

But we also have known when we must go our own way internationally. In a manner that is consistent with our values. Doing the right thing, no matter how difficult. And it was because of our deep belief as Canadians in the values of multilateralism and the United Nations that we did not go to war in Iraq. It was the same with the Kyoto Protocol. When it comes to a decision as important as the very preservation of our planet, you don't look over your shoulder to see what your neighbour is doing. You don't wait for others to decide first. You don't duck your head. You do the right thing. For today, and above all the right thing for the future. For our kids. For their kids. For this planet.

It was the same when we confronted the Europeans in the Turbot war in 1995.That is what Canadians want. And that is what we as Liberals have provided. That is not all that we did. We took historic action to limit the influence in elections of big business and big unions. Because that's what Liberalism is about. Giving power to the people, not to special interests. About opening up democracy. About ensuring that all Canadians are free to exercise their human rights. And you know, when we speak of human rights, we are admired around the world for our social liberalism. We have taken those classic Liberal values I spoke about earlier, and adapted them for a new era. The world has changed in the past 40 years, and it continues to change. And we have to keep up with it.

We recognize that issues respecting same sex must be dealt with, because the Charter of Rights is a precious heritage for Liberals. Any time we are asked to choose between fewer rights and more rights, we Liberals, and we Canadians will always choose more rights, and especially for minorities.

My friends, all this is some of what we have accomplished. Together as Liberals. Together with Canadians. Ten years ... Ten years. From the Wall Street Journal calling us a candidate for the Third World to The Economist, a few weeks ago, telling the world that Canada is cool!! We are proud of what we have accomplished.

But tonight I want to let you in on a secret. I want to tell you what makes me happiest by far. It's not simply what we have done in government. It's not just our economy. It's not just the problems we solved. It is the new spirit in the land. You can see it. You can feel it. The new pride of Canadians. Our sense of confidence. Our can-do spirit. We have never been more confident. We have never been more proud. We have never been more united. We have never been more sure of who we are. We have never been more eager, more prepared to take on the world. My friends, that is the Canada of 2003. That is how far we have travelled in ten years. And I am honoured to have had the opportunity to play a part in it.

When the question is asked, are Canadians better off today than we were ten years ago? The answer is clear and unmistakable. Yes. Yes. Yes. It has been a good time to be a Liberal. It is a good time to be a Liberal. And it is a great time to be a Canadian. And as I leave as leader of our Party, I can say with pride, that with our record, we are in a very, very good position to win a fourth consecutive Liberal majority government.

Yes, we must celebrate our accomplishments. But we must not be satisfied with them. We must remember, my friends, we do not govern by divine right. We do not have a permanent lease on office. It is not something that is owed to us. We govern with the power and trust invested in us by the Canadian people. We must never, never forget that. We must never take them, or their support, for granted. We must earn it every day. Being a Liberal means always, always thinking about the future. So tonight I would like to challenge us as a party, as I pass on the torch.

Tonight I want to ask you, my Liberal family, what can we do to ensure that our country is even better off ten years from now than it is today? To govern is to lead. We define ourselves by the hard choices we make. By the decisions we make. We saw that with the deficit. We saw it with the Clarity Act. We saw it with Iraq. We saw it every time we stood tall for Canada. Not just for the headlines of today, but for the world of tomorrow. There is no substitute for doing the right thing at home or abroad. The rest of the world looks to us as a model, as a beacon.

Look at the people in this great hall. You see in this one location all the faces, all the races, and the colours, and religions that make up this planet. This is the Canada of today. And this is our mission to the world. To show how it is possible to live together in diversity and in harmony. But to fulfill this mission, we have a solemn responsibility to speak to the world in our own voice - an independent voice. It is not something to barter or give away, not for economic gain, commercial advantage or anything else.

My friends, we cannot be complacent, at a time when the opposition is getting together. When in a country of the centre, the opposition is moving to the right. Canadians should beware of those on the right who put the interests of Bay Street over the interests of Main Street.Canadians should beware of those on the right who put profit ahead of community ... beware of those on the right who put the narrow bottom line ahead of everything else. Canadians should beware of those on the right who would reduce taxes at the expense of necessary public services ... beware of those on the right who do not care about reducing social and environmental deficits.

Canadians should beware of those on the right who would weaken the national government because they do not believe in the role of government.

My friends, my fellow Canadians, my fellow Liberals, if you remember only one thing that I say tonight, remember this ... we must never ever lose our social conscience.

My final message for you is simple. Trust Canadians. They are wise. They are generous. They care. And above all, trust the young generation of Canadians that is coming up. I have a lot of faith in young Canadians today. There has never been a generation in history more sure of itself and its Canadian identity, and yet more in touch and involved in every corner of the world. They care. And they understand.

My friends, I am passing on the leadership of our Party to a new leader. A new prime minister. A great Liberal. Who has been a big part of our record. Of the Liberal record. Of the record we are so proud of. Although we have accomplished so much, there is still so much more to do. Paul Martin will need all our support, the support of all of us. And I can assure Paul that he has my support. And when he has some lonely moments, as I know he will, he should remember, as I have, how each successive leader has been strengthened by our Liberal values. He should remember Laurier, remember King, remember St-Laurent, remember Pearson, remember Trudeau, remember Turner.

There is no greater privilege than to be able to serve your country. To be Prime Minister of the most wonderful country in the world. I have always felt a special love of this country. With all my fellow citizens. Regardless of their political views. So from the bottom of my heart, I want to thank the people of Canada for the confidence they have shown in me over so many years. I will be forever grateful. I want to thank the Liberal Party for the great confidence you have shown in me since you chose me as your leader 13 years ago. And for the privilege I have had in leading the greatest political party in the world. When I first announced my candidacy for the leadership of the Liberal Party back in 1984, I said: "Fasten your seat belts - it's going to be a helluva ride". Well my friends, it has been a hell of a ride.

Now I finish my career as I began, as an ordinary Liberal. I will be there to support our new team. I will be there to encourage young Canadians to continue to be engaged. And I will be there to support our new leader. I want to thank tonight, the people of St. Maurice who have shown their confidence in me for the last 40 years, as well as the people of Beauséjour for three years. Without them, I would not be here tonight. And, my friends, I will be there side-by-side with Aline, my rock of Gibraltar for almost the last 50 years¿Vive le Canada!-30-

Saturday, September 12, 2015

Dear Elites

Dear Elites, I think you have more than enough to take care of yourselves in grand luxury for generations. But the earth does not belong to you and you alone. It belongs to all that live on it and nothing gives you the right to endanger our lives for your greed. Go. Enjoy your riches. But you may no longer clear cut forests, strip the oceans bare of fish, or poison the land and water. Not only does this put all of the natural world in danger of death or dysfunction, but it it sickens and kills human beings as well. No one has a right to do that. You must cease and desist forthwith. Failure to do so will invite a defensive response sufficient to protect our right to life.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015


Japan is such a civilized country. It remains indelibly Japanese despite all the Western industrialism it has adapted to itself. While it's true we can travel all across the country and have a reasonable expectation of being treated reasonably decently, still, the basic "feel" of America is much less "comfortable," like it doesn't quite fit or it's a little off somehow. But in Japan, it feels natural, more at ease. They never really left the land. And the land is beautiful. They have a third of America's population squeezed into a space roughly the size of California. But it has plentiful water from rain and snow in the mountains and it's clean. They don't pollute their water. They don't clear cut the mountains either but they certainly do use the wood. And their land is made from the volcanoes that created them making it rich and fertile. Unfortunately tho, they too have lost species of animals, namely birds, especially in Tokyo. But their reverence for the land and all of nature runs very deep in them and so they have protected it as best they can. They know where their food and water comes from and how much their lives depend on it.

But they are changing now. Too much infection by the West. It's sad to see. I am hoping they will weather this period of the death throes of post-peak oil and learning to de-industrialize without losing themselves completely. But they are Japanese and deeply Asian. I think they will outlive this period. 

Tuesday, June 09, 2015

The insane

No one, in their right mind, would poison their own well.

Only an insane person would do that. So what does that say about the world we are living in? About the people "running" things, the ones who've managed to perpetuate a complete fraud thru a kind of mass hypnosis? Conversely, what does it mean to actually live free?

Anyway, given that the people running things are poisoning people, the planet, the air, and the water, and everything that lives, clearly shows that they are insane.

And btw, no one "owns" any of it. The planet, the air, the water, and the land belongs to us all, this includes the critters we share the planet with, for the simple reason that we all depend on these things for our own survival.

People have lived on this planet without oil or money for tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of years. And they lived in every environment from the Arctic north to the plains to the mountains, the deserts, and people had lived there for generation after generation since time immemorial. 

We must go back to the land. It is what feeds us, clothes us, houses us, but none of it will work if the water isn't clean. And no one has a right to poison the well we all drink from. No one.

Friday, June 05, 2015

The line

Do you know where the line is? The line that should never be crossed? Do you know what the line is? The killing must stop.

We must wage peace. The question, however, is what to do about the rabid-minded. 

[The most absolute line is life and death. Crossing that line is the willful killing of another, or the willful depraved indifference to life where actions and decisions results in a death or serious bodily or mental harm. A civilized society should never tolerate these. We should never allow anyone to commit deliberate harm to anyone for any reason, least of all, for money.]

Another line that should not be crossed is losing our connection to the natural world. We must return to the land and live with the land for it is the basis of life. 

We must stop thinking in terms of money and basing all of life upon it. Money is not life. 

We must look at other cultures and see the paradigms they live by. Then, choose which elements we most wish to live by.

Making room

~If you want room for yourself, you must also make room for others

~Exclude no one. Only exclude bad behavior.

~Just saw a cute little film "Little Secrets" on BYUTV. Yes, Brigham Young University TV. Yes, rather whitewashed, but I liked it and it reminded me of my own childhood and the kind of neighborhood I lived in and the people that were around me. Mine also included Japanese people and a few Black folk too. But we all blended together and were basically on the same wavelength in terms of civility, sharing a basic set of moral values in terms of being good, kind, and helpful people.

So, anyway, during this movie the young 14 yr old girl is a violin prodigy aspiring to play with a symphony. In the meantime, we see a busker playing a violin playing a common tune. Then she plays a classical piece and it's beautiful and wonderful. Lots of people threw money into the busker's violin case. Then, much later on, she needed some funds for a good cause and so went busking herself with her violin. 

Again, she played a classical piece. But this time I thought about how you don't hear that kind of music much because it is not in everyday life like it was in this film. And then I thought about how this music and all the arts are considered "high culture" and how it's reserved for the hoity-toity instead of being part of common culture. 

That's when it struck me that that should not be the case. That classical music should be accessible to all regardless of income or station in life. I thought it quite refreshing to see someone in common dress playing such wonderful music on the street in public, and yes it IS wonderful music, tho not at the exclusion of all others, but rather, as another wonderful part of this tapestry of life. 

We don't have to like all parts of it, but that doesn't mean we should exclude them from the world unless we are willing to exclude what we like as well. 

In other words, if no one gives any room to anyone else, then there won't be room for us either. It is only by being inclusive, by giving others the room to exist that there can be room in others for us too. The only thing we exclude is bad behavior.

Monday, June 09, 2014

The importance of children

How we raise our children is the most important thing humans do. But we don't act like it in the way our societies have become structured. This includes the built environment and its relationship to the land, in addition to, all the various relationships we have to each other. 

I was thinking about the importance of treating our child as if they truly matter. I'm sure for some people that is a given. But there are others who have difficulty doing that. And the reason why they have difficulty is because we don't raise our children communally anymore. It used to be people lived in one place or one town or one neighborhood for most or all of their lives. This means they knew the people who lived in their immediate surroundings. The reason why people in small towns used to say they'd call a kid's parents if he was caught doing something wrong because A) living in a decent community means people abiding by the same basic virtues of civility and honesty and, B) the parents were friends with each other, meaning, they shared the same basic values and had common interests. 

Rest in Peace Mom

My mom passed on Saturday, June 7, 2014 at 10:15am. 

Thursday, June 05, 2014

The burning away

I'm ok for right now. I also know I'll be okay later. But in the right after part, might get a little rough. Altho, I think I've worked on most everything I needed to with my mom. Not much was pleasant since that's what I remember of my life with her, but there were a few good moments.

Life is a very queer thing for all the twists and turns it takes. I've certainly had more than my fair share of them. Even so, all that remains is the love we felt for each other but were never really able to share it together with each other until now. At least we were able to do that before it was too late. For that, I am truly grateful. 

Friday, May 09, 2014

The Importance of Sharing: A memoir of me and my mom.

It's May 8th, 2014. I've officially been here since very early Sept. 2012. When I got here I already knew my mom's memories were pretty much gone. Not that I haven't tested it to see for sure, but yeah, the memories of the past aren't really there. And yet, there have been times when I've talked with her about the past and the feelings I had about what was going on then and it seems we are able to connect life to life. And tho she can't tell me the story of her life, and she certainly can't teach me about anything she learned about life, which I'll get to later, there are things we CAN share. And when we do, THAT is when I feel "right". And tho I want to connect with her more, for some reason I find it very difficult to summon the energy to do so now. 

I had the energy after my eldest aunt and my cousin came to visit in January of this year, 2014. There had been magic then. It was so incredible to feel life actually be what it should feel like. There we strong connections with them while they were here staying at mom's. My Japanese is extremely poor--I've lost most of what I learned when I was 19 living in Japan for 6 months. This was the aunt I lived with while I was there. I was never more normal than when I lived in Japan. And by normal, I mean more naturally myself than I have ever been in the United States. They are polite, they have a culture that is all about family and our relationships with each other, and they have deeply embedded social protocols that work to keep the peace in society. It isn't perfect because people aren't perfect, and there are always issues to deal with, but for the most part, they are a very civilized people. I haven't done well here in America. 

Which is essentially the beginning of the story. My mother is Japanese. She was born in 1934. November 13th to be exact. In Tsurumi, Japan. This is just south of Tokyo maybe 10 miles. The thing is, she was born and raised in Japan, married an Army GI, came to America, and had me, in addition to other things. But she didn't speak to me in Japanese and I so I didn't really learn it even tho she spoke it to others and to herself, tho some expressions were often repeated and I did learn those. Just not much else. This was America. She wanted me to be American and than meant speaking English. Which I did. Eventually too well for her to understand given the relative size of my vocabulary compared to hers. I eventually came to realize this was going to hurt us later on. And tho I had learned some Japanese during my 6 months there when I was 19, it wasn't enough and I'd need to continue classes to continue learning it. But somehow that got derailed and I never continued after that. And not being Japan anymore I reverted back to life in America. Huge mistake. 

It was from this point forward that things went off track and never seemed to get back on. Although this wasn't the first time it had happened, this particular moment essentially determined the nature of our relationship from then on. The importance of sharing had never been more critical than this moment. After I got back from Japan, I kept waiting for my mom to ask me how was my trip. She never did. If she had I would have told her I wanted to go back. Years later I did finally ask her if I had told her I had wanted to go back to Japan, would she have sent me? I don't remember her exact words but, yes, she would have. One of so many missed chances for us to connect and yet we never did. She was a tough cookie. 

From the beginning she had been tough, but she did tell me that the birth had been painful. She went home before I did because they kept me in the incubator for 9 days. I had been premature and weighed only 3 lbs 12 ozs and 16+ inches long. I was tiny. But being kept in the incubator that way in those, and I don't know how much she visited me during that after she went home, meant that we didn't really bond that strongly. I was, of course, dependent on her for everything during all these early years and wanted to have a kind and loving relationship with her, but like many people I've meant, it didn't happen. In knowing how things were for me I wanted to do better for my own daughter. I didn't want to repeat so many of the same mistakes my mom had made. But there is one I did repeat and that was that my daughter didn't learn Japanese either. If only my mom and I had been able to talk. If only.

As it is now, it's all too late. I got here too late, learned about her CHF too late, and because docs are now just glorified technicians and pill pushers now, the cancer in her gall bladder went completely undetected despite attempting to get it properly investigated a whole year before it hurt bad enough to take her the ER. And come to find out, it was not only cancerous, it was gangrenous. She had a decaying organ inside her body. Unfortunately, the ultrasound they did on it the year before revealed nothing. The ultrasound tech kept focusing on the blood vessels and I kept thinking they needed to be looking for masses or abnormalities in the organs. But that didn't happen and thus that ball got dropped. And since mom didn't complain of any pain, except when you pushed on it but otherwise nothing, it slipped right by even me. It now seems to be engulfing her liver as she is having daily pain in that area. 

I'm gonna miss you mom. And I will continue mourning since I got here for the loss of all that I was supposed to be able to share with you of your life. There was supposed to be time for us to be together, for me to spend time with you, truly learn who you are as my mother and as the person you are. We lost out on so much with each other. I know it's great I'm here now so you can be at home, but for me, there is just so much of your life, how you lived, how you got on, and how you did things. And then to be able to share some of myself with you, and to do things for you and keep track of your health and have you teach to cook Japanese food. And there was sewing, crocheting, knitting which I also did. But most all, the gardening. I had a big one, at least for me at 25 ft. x 25 ft. at dad's. And you had begun gardening way back before I went to Washington in '92. That was at the apartment on 157th behind Gemco which is now a Target. Aw geez, I really wish we could have settled down and had a house but I guess that wasn't something Norman wanted to do. I have no idea why not, other than to punish you for the things you did he felt hurt by whether you intended it or not. You were a gold-digger mom, and not the kindest person. More like a stone bitch but that's how I saw you. You were a tough cookie.

Hey folks, this is how karma actually works. It is true that what goes around, comes around in the sense of reaping what you sow. Oddly enough, the brings up something I was just thinking about earlier tonight, about how karma and chaos theory actually go together. One's life is largely determined by the circumstances into which one is born. Those circumstance, plus all the external conditions of life at the time, have a great impact on the track one's life can take. This is called "dependence on initial conditions." Even hair's breadth off can change everything for good or ill. I had asked her a few months ago if her life had turned out the way she expected or wanted it to go. The impression I got from her was it had not. And I don't think she had been happy for all that much of it. She never got the kind of recognition she had wanted nor did she ever find the right man to shower her with money and luxury and treat her like a queen, except perhaps very briefly at the end before I arrived to live here.

She created me with her own anger. At me for having ruined her plans to divorce my dad and go her merry way. She asked him for one but he didn't grant it and I think a lot that had to do with me. It may also have just the way my dad was cuz he was that way too, and so he never remarried nor even sought out a female companion. He wasn't interested in sex and so that was never a driver for him. And actually, he was a pretty content man with just him and his dogs at home, and good friends to visit quite often. It's a small town in rural southern MN and he'd known some of them since school days. There's something to be said for that kind of life. So, I grew up with him after he retired from the Army but my mom was definitely not happy. Dad was not her kind of man and life with him was just agony in many ways. And then there was this child, her child, but not a wanted child, especially because my dad was not my biological father. This was a secret she kept from him until I was around 7 and she had seen the sperm donor and discovered it had only been a one night stand for him. She thought it had been more but it took 7 years to find she basically meant nothing to him. At which point she tells my dad the truth. I'm not sure why she did other than to simply come clean of it. But still, if she had really wanted the divorce years before, she should have told him then, and then he might have granted the divorce. Too late to know any of that now. I was 18 by the time I found out about it. Mom did talk about a few things before I went to Japan. Not that I paid it much mind at the time as it seemed too much like a soap opera and I didn't, and still don't, care about all that. But she did tell me other things about her life, about her thoughts and feelings about my dad, some of which I understand and see her points.

I really wish we could have talked. Unfortunately, it's time for bed now. Goodnight.

May 9, 2014 1:30 am.